It’s been an exciting month. We had another calf born at the
crack of dawn, and his mother welcomed him into the world by plopping
him out right his head as she trotted off after the hay wagon.
When the Barn Goddess (that’s my wife, Janice)
found him, he was still wet and staggering around trying to figure
out what the heck happened. The Barn Goddess grabbed some towels and
started wiping him down since his mother couldn’t bother. He
looked up at her so very confused and I know just that he was thinking
-- “Are you my mommy???.”
When he started to nuzzle around between her legs looking for some
milk, the Barn Goddess realized that she wasn’t equipped to
fulfill his needs. That’s when she grabbed a rake and convinced
the momma cow where she was supposed to be.
When Momma Cow finally came back over to him, she knocked him flat
with one of her big horns. I guess she didn’t like having her
breakfast interrupted.
In spite of his sorry welcome to the world, he is a good-looking calf
with a lot of chrome. He is white with a red head, and four red legs
from the knee down. I will most likely have to keep him a Man Cow
because he’s so handsome. That’s a bull, in case you don’t
know.
A few weeks later our newest calf came into the
world. Another looker, he is a white and gray brindle. The Barn Goddess
calls him Cotton. We have had 5 calves and 1 heffer since the first
of the year.
The Barn Goddess and I moved into our double-wide trailer a while
back, and my “Honey Do” list is really growing. The ranch
hands are working overtime trying to keep up with it. Now I know the
hands all hate me, and it’s not just because of the “Honey
Do” list. A while back the Boss Lady and I promoted the Barn
Goddess to Ranch Operations Manager. That is all right with me, because
the way I see it, as long as she is riding them, she has less time
to mess with me!!
Even though I’m supposedly the Barn Goddess’
boss, she refuses to accept it!! I know it was the right decision,
because she is perfect for the job. Just picture Hitler, Stalin, and
General Patton all rolled up in this tiny, sexy, little package with
blonde hair, blue eyes, and big you know whats. That is the Barn Goddess!!!!
When the ranch hands whine, complain, or try praying to God for mercy,
I just tell them that it won’t help. That’s because I
believe that God is a woman, and won’t overrule the Barn Goddess.
They only have two ways out. They can ether die or they can quit!!!
. At least they get two choices -- the only way out for me is to die!
(Suicide is another option. The only problem is I can’t talk
her into doing it!! )
Our ranch dog is Jackie O., a Jack Russell
Terrier. I know what you’re thinking, and it is not funny!!
We are saving our money for a Real Dog. We just don’t have one
yet. Anyway, Jackie O. has invented a new game to amuse herself. While
the horses are trotting around on the hot walker, she jumps up, grabs
their tails and swings from side to side. She loves it. However, the
horses just hate it.
This month we had another party with Cisco Systems.
They must like us a lot because this was their third time bringing
a group out. Goat dressing was a big hit. That’s where they
have to catch one of our goats, dress him up in a t-shirt and shorts
and run back to the finish line before he drops his drawers. But everybody’s
favorite is Team Cattle Penning. Those Cisco guys were the best we
ever saw and scooted those ornery cows right into the pen. It was
real fast.
The Boss Lady and I have been adding to, and making changes to ranch
polices, and to all of ranch operations in general. We’re re-arranging
things like wives make husbands do to the living room. You re-arrange
things so much, when you’re done, you swear that it is the same
as when you started.
Between the Boss Lady and the Barn Goddess, I don't know which is
sorer, my two typing fingers or my head!!
We had 20 ton of grass hay delivered,
and our Rhodes scholar ranch hands, stacked it up all wrong. You could honestly say that it was unsafe. So
the other night I got a crazy idea that I was going to show the Barn
Goddess that I am every bit as much of a man as I ever was!! I figured
that I would re-stack the
hay, first to show the brain surgeons that
work for me, the proper way to stack hay, and second to impress
the Barn Goddess, and to finally prove to her that I’m still
the Man she fell in love with. When I was done with the hay, I figured
that I would clean up and romance her like the nights when we first
got together.
Well I did re-stack about a third of the hay the proper way, but
the truth is that it almost killed me. The Barn Goddess had to help
me up to the house where I fell asleep sitting in my chair. The
last thing that I heard was her asking me if I wanted to take a
shower with her. Of course I eagerly said yes, but….the next
thing I knew, it was the next morning and I woke up lying on the
floor in severe pain. My old back was so stiff I couldn’t
hardly move. As I tried to wake up, I could hear Mark Nelson, my
Head Wrangler and supposedly best friend, talking to the Barn Goddess
over the radio. He was telling her that he came over and seen me
rolling around on the floor. He said he was worried because he thought
I was trying to colic on her. (Note from the Boss Lady: Colic is
an obstruction in a horse’s bowels that causes him to kick
and roll. It is the number one killer of horses.)
I just laid there trying to hold back the tears, not just because
of my physical pain, but mostly because of reality!!! I knew that
the only thing that I managed to prove the night before was that
even though I was smart enough to know the proper way to stack hay,
I wasn’t Man enough to finish either job!!!
I never understood what people meant when they say how the truth
hurts! Now I understand why my Barn Goddess doesn’t look at
me like she used to. But that’s all right. I learned what
that little calf found out when he got plopped out into this cruel
world on top of his head. You can’t change things. All you
can do is accept them and go forward and play the cards the way
they are dealt to you.
That’s all for now. See you next month.
Sincerely,
Mike O'Neil, General Manager
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